Do we know enough about Karan Johar?

KJo

For the last couple of months, Karan Johar has been everywhere. I would’ve called him “KJo”, but no man should be called that. He’s been the only person to not be fighting an election and still be in all kinds of media: print and digital, relevant and irrelevant, and whatever category “Pinkvilla” belongs to.

Here’s what a quick google search for Karan Johar threw up:

From Vogue’s website:“7 life confessions from Karan Johar you haven’t heard yet”.

Fine, I guess. When you have nothing to do, you’d probably glance over that.

But fancy this, from India Today’s website:“Karan Johar reveal he paid for sex: 5 explosive confessions from KJo’s biography”

 The “Indian Express” goes a step further:“Karan Johar opens up about his sexuality, virginity and SRK in his new book”

Behind this headline is one very happy SEO guy. “Sexuality” and “virginity” are enigmatic things on their own, but when you add Karan Johar and SRK to the mix, the results are toe-curlingly orgasmic. I’m guessing the only point of debate in this headline was: Should we go with SRK or Shah Rukh Khan? What if people don’t get SRK?

 Then there was this, from Storypick: “I Don’t Have A Relationship With Kajol Anymore,” writes Karan Johar In His Autobiography”

 To be fair, Storypick has even shared MY videos, and this is way more relevant.

But imagine, you’re a person who wants to stay informed about the economy so you can say something substantial the next time someone says “demonitisation” at a party. You subscribe to the Economic Times, and it would take a very open mind to not unsubscribe when you read this:

“I am done with Kangana playing the victim card and blaming Bollywood: Karan Johar”

Just wait a week or two, and he’ll be on the front page, talking about who Akhilesh Yadav should Fuck-Marry-Kill. Virat Kohli will take a backseat from the sports page because on it will be Karan Johar, talking about how he doesn’t follow cricket because that “jhintak blue of the Indian team is so Eww!”

You can tell a lot about a country by how it treats its heroes, and even more by how it treats its directors. We treated Hrishikesh Mukherjee and Gulzar differently: we just watched their movies, went “Waah kya sahi hai!”, and moved on.

We’re no longer that country. We’ve changed, the media has changed, and in the new scheme of things, Karan Johar is the most important voice in the country and soon, hopefully, on Indo-Pak issues.

(Exhibit A: “Make Fawad the PM of Pakistan. Nawaz Sharif is anyway so ugly if Benazir was alive she’d die again Oh MY GOD HUHUHUHUHUHLOL!)

The point, simply, is this: Ussko kuch kuch hota hai, tum nahi samjhoge.

We know from his interviews that he was a fat kid. That was revolutionary, for no one else has ever been fat. He’s the only person in the country to have had body issues and be bullied. He’s been in love and not had that love reciprocated, and felt vulnerable about his sexuality.

Which, again, nobody else has felt. Even if they have, it doesn’t count because they’re not from Bollywood. When we outsiders have issues with our sexuality, there’s just that one obvious solution: go fuck ourselves.

I’m afraid we as a society haven’t dived to the depths of our KaranJoharity. I won’t be convinced until we have a start-up dedicated to solve the problem of Karan Johar. How hard is it to create an app that transfers Karan Johar’s thoughts on to your facebook timeline in real time? Cut out these middlemen and journalists.

Because journalists, honestly, could’ve done better. We know he was fat, but no journalist has had the ingenuity to plunge the depths of his subcutaneous fat and tell us exactly how much he weighed in 1991. What is that one snack he binged on when he was upset because people called him fat?

No answers.

He wrote in an NDTV article about how he lost his virginity late in life. How is that information enough? We need to know who it was that finally entered the dragon.

And last week, we outdid ourselves: We took attention away from him, and gave it to Kangana Ranaut! So what if she’s smart and bold and disruptive. The show is not “Koffee with Kangana”. She’s not allowed to play her “Woman” and “badass” cards when Karan has his “social” and “vulnerable” cards ready. Why she would break the line instead of falling in it and making it convenient for everyone, is beyond me.

But it’s a tiny issue for Karan and I’m sure he’ll get over it. He’ll see a toot-ta taara and wish for his mojo back.

Let’s never make the mistake of keeping him relevant just to being a filmmaker. Let’s loosen up a little more. Just like Karan’s jeans in class 10th. See? I just normalized his obesity.

It’s our fault. For lapping up whatever we’ve been served and not demanding better.

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Do we know enough about Karan Johar?

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