(This is the unedited version of the published piece(Times of India, 21st June), which can be read here. The headline I suggested was “A sexy alternative to World Yoga Day”, but I’m not complaining that TOI edited it to this current, click-bait-y version. They also left out a few lines that could’ve turned controversial: I don’t blame them. They know how to run a newspaper, not me. And it’s good when no one goes to jail in the end.)
Today, June 21st, is the longest day of the year. Possibly even the hottest. Left to myself, I’d lie in an ice bath, and restrict my physical activity to pressing the AC remote with my toes.
And this government wants me to go out and celebrate World Yoga Day? It wants me to get out and do surya-namaskaar? Let me tell you, government, THAT surya will not be namaskaar-ed by me. Not in this weather. Plan the event in December and watch me namaaskar the hell out of your surya. In June, my namaskaar will be restricted to the rolling up of a certain finger towards anyone even asking me to lift a finger.
Let’s be clear: the only yoga that’s happening here is that of India stretching itself and taking that position where its all-talk lips meet the well-endowed rear of another country. It’s the “World” that is really important, the “yoga” and “day” part just fell in place. This government loves the sound of approval in a good foreign accent, except when it’s Shashi Tharoor’s accent. Christmas was rechristened “Good Governance Day”, and now it’s this. When they promised Acche Din, what they really meant was Ajeeb Se Din. It’s not their fault that we misunderstood.
It’s this love for the limelight (or sunlight, if you will) that makes it chase the Guinness World Record, an odd thing to do for a government with record majority in the first place. It’s a bit like an already successful actor taking up a trending ‘social cause’ immediately before his next big release. But let’s not forget, the trailer makes no sense if there isn’t a movie to follow it up. It’s hard to imagine just one dedicated day launching a regular yoga drive. Just like no Valentine’s Day makes couples ignore each other’s nose hair and fall deeper in love.
But I’m not the kind of guy who’ll sit at the sidelines and criticize the establishment. As a citizen of this country, it is my duty to find a solution, and arrive at an idea that plugs the holes of World Yoga Day. Something that makes people healthy and happy, something that makes the world like us, something that’s equally appealing to all Indian communities. What could it possibly be? Ah, I know. Friends, Indians, countrymen, lend me your bodies.
How about a World Kama Sutra Day?
No, hear me out! I’ll explain.
Think about it. Sex, Kama Sutra style, is everything that yoga is, and then some more. It requires your bodies to be in those same contorted positions (except that they’re now worth it), and it’s something that everybody from a malnourished African to an obese American will look forward to. And our population is proof, that even if we aren’t always good at it, we are at least enthusiastic about it.
Nobody from Hindus, Muslims, homosexuals, feminists and Shakti Kapoor will have a problem because,IT’S A LOT OF FUN! OH MY GOD! I’M ALREADY HYPERVENTILATING. LET’S DO THIS, EVERYONE! LET’S ALL FILL THE ROADS,STREETS, MALLS, PARKS, GARDENS WITH OUR EXTRAORDINARY PROWESS AND SHOW THE WORLD WHAT WE INDIANS ARE MADE OF. LET’S START, AND NEVER STOP…WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I’M NOT DONE YET…FINE, IGNORE ME. GO READ TWINKLE KHANNA’S COLUMN.
But when you’re willing to take revolutionary ideas more seriously, I’ll be here, with my copy of the Kama Sutra, laughing my victorious laugh at you. You’ll see.